There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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