I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
