Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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