I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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