I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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