dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
