My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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