explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
