he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
