He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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