I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
