You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
