i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have aggressive nipples.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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