hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
