Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
zippers are such a cool invention
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
