I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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