You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
