I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
