He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
