he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
