Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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