I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
