I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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