it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
And then he peed in my hair
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