that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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