Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
