I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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