Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
