I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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