everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
