he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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