it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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