i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
