You just made me feel so damn special
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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