Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think i have herpe
just one?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
