On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
