Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
