Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
