john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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