One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
