is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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