I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
