Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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