I just cut my nipple shaving
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
