listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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