Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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