At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
