I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
