We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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