If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
