if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
