I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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